The Need For Social Acceptance Changes With Age

Everybody has the need to be accepted. We spend our lives striving and hoping to be accepted. Life would be much easier had we known early on how the pursuit of acceptance evolves over time. In the end, being accepted is less important than being authentic….

As babies raised in normal families, we don’t have to crave attention, just the opposite: every stage of our progress is greeted with joy, recognition and encouragement. That’s also when we learn that we are the center of the world and learn to like it. We go on to spend most of our lives trying to reclaim this role, searching for that Special Someone who would accept us, love us and make us the center of the world, again.

By kindergarten age many of us discover that there are other kids in the world and we come realize that we have to establish our position among them. At this stage, we have no knowledge or tools for the task so we follow our instincts. Young children seek to distinguish themselves from others by possessions (toys), ingratiating behavior or physical strength. Some of us manage to make a childhood friend or two.

The pursuit of social acceptance and recognition continues in grade school where among other things we learn also that we are judged by our appearance (skin color, body weight, popularity, the clothing and shoes we wear, and more) and abilities. We add new skills to our arsenal: academic, athletic, social, etc. and make a few friends. Even with all that few of us manage to claim the top positions and this cuts deeply into our self-image of demigods as well as into our perception of our family of origin, its wisdom, financial status, etc.

In high school social acceptance takes the center stage. We face several social challenges and are desperate to fit in. We seek acceptance (by imitating others) and a little later, distinction (by asserting our individuality). That’s also when many of our fears get confirmed: we start to believe that we are too fat, too short, too ugly, too dumb, too poor, and so on. Even so – popular or not – most of us make friends in high school.

After high school, no matter our route to adulthood, we begin to pursue the world domination. Since during school years we learnt that our parents are wrong about most things, we try to explain their failings to them and prove our “righteousness” by achievement. We attempt to assert ourselves in the world. That’s the stage of trial and error. With the naïveté of youth, we attempt to prove our worth, be it in college or at the first job. Not surprisingly, at this stage we experience also many disappointments. That’s why we have buddies or girlfriends with whom we share our trials, tribulations and occasionally, victories.

Adulthood (and by adulthood I mean, finding love and building a career) from the get-go brings forth competition. We have hopes, goals, expectations, needs and the awareness that our progress is measured and we’re being judged: at work, at home, by strangers as well as loved ones. (And no, not all of us get it right or on time.)

We look for love and most get their hearts broken a few times before finding a mate. We look for a job / income that meets our needs and expectations and that takes time and involves disappointments, too.

We are still driven by the need to measure up to our peers, advance, validate ourselves, accumulate money and property needed to raise a family as well as a proof of our success (“status symbol”).

Later on in life, as we enter (with a spouse and family or alone) the “mature years” with plenty of experience under the belt, we begin to realize that not everything is within our power. That many of our successes and failings are not only the reflection of our efforts and abilities but also circumstances we don’t – and can’t – control.

Maturity, the years preceding and following retirement, are different from all the other stages of life. At certain point, we all streamline and not just in terms of possessions or housing, but relationships. As the self solidifies and we are past the stage of competition and quest for success, we care much less – or not at all – about social acceptance. We become immune to social judgment. We care less. We let go of things and people. We lose the urge to either falsify, hide or advertise our essence, it just is: love it or hate it, take it or leave it, naked and unadorned.

We are who we are: better or worse, successful or not, loved or abandoned. There is little we can change at this stage of life and we learn to embrace what is, what we achieved and who we are. (It’s nice to share maturity with a spouse or companion, but many do just fine without.)

I bet that many mature adults ask themselves how different their lives would have been had they known all along where the story leads. How much of our efforts to fit in were needlessly wasted. How much of our suffering had no real reason. How much – at the end – we are the very same individuals we were born as only more solid, wiser and yes, often more cynical.

Here’s are some lessons learned on how the need for social acceptance changes with age:

• people have different standards and you don’t have to adapt theirs
• social acceptance isn’t everything
• fitting-in is overrated (who aspires to be mediocre?)
• be yourself, even if it doesn’t please everybody
• not every competition is worth participating in
• not every group that accepts you is worth joining
• not every relationship is worth sacrificing for
• don’t take others too seriously: they too have issues
• don’t judge others (you don’t know what cross they might be bearing)
• be tolerant (after all, others are tolerating you…)
• be accepting and encouraging (it costs nothing and may be life-changing to someone)
• the last one is a real oldie: don’t sweat the small stuff (a “tragedy” experienced at the age of 19, may seem funny at 40)

No matter what’s your age, there is something to be said of the wisdom of maturity. Be true to yourself no matter how much you want to be liked or accepted. (The only lifelong companion, you’ll ever have is you. Value the person you are.) False first impressions and relationships built on lies don’t last. Invest in honest relationships. Accept your friends, quirks and all. Be generous to them and make sure they reciprocate. It’s good to have a few TRUE friends. True friendships endure the test of time regardless of fortune reversals and even… our imperfections.